If this guide is to work it has logically to look at the different areas in turn. Of course there are bits that should be mentioned in passing, so let’s dispose of two of them now.

Firstly cleanliness. It doesn’t matter which inspection body you look at they will, like the AA Guide available in our download area, tell you that the prime requirement of any hotel at any level is that it should be clean. In my travels I have found biscuits stuffed down the side of chair seats, knickers left under beds, pubic hairs in baths, and even semen stains on bed throws. In every case I have made a nuisance of myself, and moved room or hotels. So above all else housekeeping and housekeepers are of prime importance in an hotel. Why then are they the lowest paid staff?

Secondly star ratings. I deliberately am not going to look at these until the end of this series as these are so variable as standards, and awarded everywhere in such a corrupt way – yes in the UK too before the majority of my readers start saying it couldn’t happen here. I will however be discussing these as we move through the various areas of the hotel, just drawing them together in my own rating guide at the end.

Right, so what comes next in the bedroom? We have a good bed specification, a guide for creating blackout and some rules for ensuring the room is quiet. Our guest has arrived, bounced on the bed, inspected the bathroom (q.v.), looked out the window and now turns to their luggage. Here your research into the likely guest profile conducted as a part of defining the brief for the designer will start to pay off. If the guest is a business traveller they will probably first of all put their laptop on the desk. If someone with a family is arriving for a break, they will start to unpack.